Washington D.C. has seen no scarcity of letters flooding the White Home recently, every one desperately vying for President Trump’s consideration on hashish coverage. It is like watching rival kids write to Santa, besides as an alternative of asking for toys, they’re preventing over drug schedules and prison justice reform.
On one facet, now we have Sensible Approaches to Marijuana (SAM), clutching their pearls and begging Trump to maintain hashish locked away in Schedule I endlessly. On the opposite facet, the Drug Coverage Alliance (DPA) is pushing for full descheduling, arguing that half-measures will not minimize it. Each teams are sending more and more frantic missives, every attempting to persuade the President that their opponents are basically the coverage equal of coal-worthy unhealthy youngsters.
What follows are the fictional exchanges I think about these organizations is perhaps writing to Trump – public letters that learn like a weird pen pal relationship between two ideologically opposed advocacy teams, every desperately attempting to win over America’s most unpredictable president
I have been an enormous fan of prohibition because the early days – I used to be there cheering after we locked up these violent criminals for possession of a plant! These have been the great instances, Mr. President, after we may sleep soundly understanding that harmful hashish customers have been safely behind bars the place they belonged.
Moreover, weed is unhealthy. So many individuals have stated so! And the youngsters – will not any individual please consider the youngsters! Each time somebody lights up a joint, someplace a baby’s mind turns to mush. It is science, Mr. President. Very unhappy science.
Expensive Mr. President, should you may simply hold hashish unlawful for me and my involved suburban pals, it could be super. We promise to write down you glowing evaluations on Yelp and perhaps even invite you to our ebook membership the place we talk about the risks of hemp clothes.
P.S. Please ignore these smelly hippies who need to legalize it. They most likely do not even personal MAGA hats.
Sincerely yours in prohibition,
Kevin S. (positively not influenced by Large Pharma)
Expensive President Trump,
I not too long ago heard you have been contemplating rescheduling hashish, which might be nice, however you already know what could be even larger? Utterly descheduling it! That might be the 5D chess transfer nobody would see coming – it could cement you in historical past as America’s biggest drug coverage reformer.
I do know these SAM youngsters have been sending you letters attempting to maintain it unlawful, however let’s be actual right here – they have been in mattress with all these political opponents who supported the Russia Hoax. They are not your mates, Mr. President. The truth is, I heard they get funding from pharmaceutical firms. You already know, those self same firms you have been preventing in opposition to with RFK Jr.!
Nice job with Kennedy coping with Large Pharma, by the way in which. Now let’s end the job and fully take away hashish from the CSA altogether! Present these company cronies who’s boss!
Respectfully,
The Drug Coverage Alliance (your new greatest pals)
Expensive Mr. President,
First, let me say you are doing an incredible job. These South Park episodes making enjoyable of you do not know what they’re speaking about – you are clearly essentially the most secure genius we have ever had in workplace.
I heard these troublemakers at DPA need you to fully deschedule hashish – that is a horrible concept! Are you able to think about what would occur? Infants could be injecting marijuana immediately into their eyeballs! Finally… probably… in some distant dystopian future the place logic does not exist.
And people infants would most likely grow to be anti-Semites too, Mr. President. We all know the way you hate antisemitism and flag burning. Properly, marijuana results in each! Hashish customers are most likely burning American flags proper now whereas chanting about Palestine and changing harmless kids to radical ideologies!
No, preserving hashish unlawful is the patriotic alternative. We may perhaps contemplate some gentle decriminalization, however we want it to stay federally unlawful as a result of there are unhealthy gamers on the market who will use authorized weed to fund terrorism and… different scary issues that hold me awake at evening.
Trembling patriotically,
SAM (Nonetheless Afraid of Marijuana)
Expensive Mr. President,
SAM hasn’t been proper within the head for a very long time now. They proceed to unfold lies and manipulate information to make their more and more determined factors. It is actually fairly unhappy to look at.
The reality is, the American folks – together with Republicans – are uninterested in wars, and the longest-waged struggle in U.S. historical past is the Conflict on Medication. You ran on ending countless wars, Mr. President. Properly, this is your likelihood to finish the costliest, least efficient struggle of all time.
Moreover, you have been speaking about decreasing pharmaceutical costs – properly, they’re costly exactly as a result of Large Pharma has a government-protected monopoly on drug manufacturing, distribution, and analysis because of the CSA. In the event you decentralized the entire course of by descheduling hashish, you’d make medication cheaper for everybody whereas sticking it to these pharmaceutical executives.
SAM simply desires you to be hated by the 70% of People who help hashish legalization. They need your opponents to name you a sellout to company pursuits. Do not hearken to them, Mr. President – they’re the sort of people that carry unseasoned potato salad to events and complain in regards to the music being too loud.
With rising impatience,
DPA (Truly Enjoyable at Events)
In the meantime, within the Oval Workplace…
President Trump sits behind the Resolute Desk, surrounded by stacks of letters from advocacy teams, suppose tanks, and anxious residents. The load of determination hangs heavy within the air – heavier than the stack of McDonald’s wrappers in his wastebasket.
“Sir,” his aide interrupts, “you’ve that hashish rescheduling determination to make. The letters hold pouring in.”
Trump picks up the most recent missive from SAM, then the response from DPA, shaking his head as he reads their more and more frantic exchanges.
“These individuals are writing to me like I am Santa Claus,” he mutters. “One group desires me to place hashish on the naughty listing endlessly, the opposite desires me to provide everybody authorized weed for Christmas.”
He leans again in his chair, considering a choice that might reshape American drug coverage for generations. His subsequent transfer would both cement his legacy because the president who lastly ended hashish prohibition, or the one who doubled down on a failed struggle that is raged for over fifty years.
The pen hovers over the choice memo because the destiny of tens of millions of People hangs within the steadiness…
To be continued…
CANNABIS AND TRUMP 2.0, READ ON…
